Day 2 of blog.

The Great Baby Information Swindle.

T-O-P-S-E-C-R-E-T-F-Y-E-O

OK, so now Im a Dad. There that's it. The wife grows steadily bigger for the next few months. I do a bit of cuddling, lots of 'Awww love its ok', ' No, you look lovely...Honestly'. A final few sleepfull nights and precious unplanned meals out with trips to the cinema. Easy. Hey presto , bobs your uncle and out she ( or he ) Pops in around 9 months.

'Ah ha.Ha ha ha. Aha hahahahaha.AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!' Evil laughter. Cackles. You see dear reader, even after this short period of pregnancy drama, I realise that the dream of the 'blokes 9 months off' is just that. One lovely, never to be realised, dream.

It started with the grandparents to be (GTB). On hearing our news they were of course highly delighted, full of the usual 'ooooooo' 'aaaaaaaaaaaarrrr!' ' how exciting' etc..( note the absence of any 'oh you poor bastard' from the Grandfathers. Now that would have been an honest response..) Then came the first dilemma in the Great Baby Information Swindle ( patent pending) 'Oh Yes' Says GTB 1 'you must drink lots of peppermint tea'. ' Oh yes' says GTB 2 'And ginger biscuits'. (GTB 3 and 4 stay sadly silent on the advice I was hoping to here- involving myself having to consume Kebabs and quaff large ales. Really? Peppermint tea?)

'Oh yes, peppermint tea is good for cramps. No wait its for the itchy skin. That's why you drink it love' GTB 1 reliably informs the Mrs.
'Oooo yeah' chips in GTB 2 'and don't forget to avoid nuts. And no more wine!'
'But I ate nuts and drank just last week before I knew I was pregnant' replies the Mrs, clearly starting to worry ( Whether more about the lack of wine or nuts I fail to discover..)
'Oh, er Oh I shouldn't worry' laughs GTB 1 nervously.
This has plainly failed to to make the Mrs 'not worry', in fact she has I notice started to chew her bottom lip. Never a good sign and usually preceding a tongue lashing for myself.
'Quick Ron' she Barks 'Get The Book'.

The Book is a heavyweight pregnancy bible bought for the price of a small national debt at a local book store. I carry the tome over in both hands and present this Bible to her.

'You Look' she says, 'I feel tired'.

Fighting the sceptical look I will surely give her over the coming months ( tired? Its only a book) I turn to the index. Right...n...nuts. Nuts. My hands turn the glossy cover to the required page.

..'Nuts of course while best avoided should not necessarily be dismissed from your diet altogether. Unless you or anyone in your family has an existing allergy of any kind...'

Ah great. I think. She can still have her nuts. I look up expectantly, waiting to see the room breath a sigh of relief for the peanut sellers of the universe..'Does anyone have an allergy Mum' asks the Mrs to GTB2.
'Er...no.I...er...No. No no-one has an allergy on our side'
'Not on ours either' says GTB1.' oh so don't worry!'
At last the breath of relief is felt around the room. I am about to suggest a round of drinks when GTB3 remembers' oh...what about our Anis, little un. Remember, cant take any Milk type things'

Oh. Anis and her little one. A nasty little story revolving around a first yoghurt and a small wafer.

'oh yeah' check the book. Does it mention dairy allergy transference....'

To be Continued..